Friday, December 01, 2006

best friend? nothing but a fcuking useless name. it's just like a label to let the outside world see, but not the inner part, the place where it cracks. noone saw, noone knows, only us. no point trying so hard to turn cracks back into the recovery state, the scars still remains. maybe i'm right, there's drifted distance, different thinkings and characters. she's outgoing, i'm not. she talks to people easily, i don't. she can make people smile, i can't. we're so different. i only smile when i want to, talk when i feel like, joke only when i'm in the mood. yes, i don't understand myself, i'm weird. i lost everything. i don't get over things easily, i'm just trying and showing and pretending that it don't matters anymore. and no, noone understands me, i'm messed up because i don't understand myself, not at all. i need someone to be there as well. you think i'm always happy? you think melissa is always happy? you think melissa is satisfied with her life? you think melissa is loved? you think melissa is no human? why is everyone treating me like fcuk? i'm really not happy, i'm trying to. yes, you can see me smiling everyday without fail, because everyone thinks i'm happy.


is it wrong to have friends? is it wrong to laugh? is it wrong to enjoy yourself? so sorry. i'm not a good friend. i'm never like you, i don't know how to console or be there. you'll be disappointed. don't worry, you don't have to be the first one to start the conver between us. both of us are not going to. just stop all these idiotic nonsense, give me some peace. don't come one after another, because i can't take it all.

i told you once. it still hurts to see but you thought it don't hurt like the past. you're wrong. it still hurts exactly like the past. you don't believe because i don't show it all, tried telling you yet you gave me such disappointing reply. afterall, you thought i got over it. deep down, i'm not okay. well, done with my craps. just letting you to see a preview of my life, my feelings inside. try understand me, help me find back myself. someone please? because i know, no one will be. life seems so tough, really tough now.... i'm trying to cope with everything. my dance, tuition, the working days. i'm still surviving and the smile on my face will never fade because i'm happy.


one more month and 14 days.

...Consider it not so deeply.